Do you know who I think is the ugliest girl in school?
That Hermione Granger
You know what I’d give her on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1… 1 would be the ugliest and then 10 is pretty…
I would give her
Not over a 9.8
Because there is always room for improvement
Not everyone’s perfect like me
That’s why I am holding out for a 10
Because I’m worth it
September 1st, time to go back to Hogwarts!!
HARRY: Underneath these stairs I hear the sneers and feel glares of my cousin, my uncle and my aunt.
Can’t believe how cruel they are, and it stings my lighting scar, to know that they’ll never ever give me what I want.
I know I don’t deserve these stupid rules made by the Dursleys here on Privet Drive.
Can’t take all of these Muggles, but despite all of my struggles, I’m still alive.
I’m sick of summer and this waiting around. Man, it’s September, and I’m skipping this town. Hey it’s no mystery, there’s nothing here for me now!
I gotta get back to Hogwarts! I gotta get back to school! Gotta get myself to Hogwarts, where everybody knows I’m cool.
Back to witches and wizards, and magical beasts! To goblins and ghosts, and to magical feasts! It’s all that I love, and it’s all that I need. Hogwarts, Hogwarts! I think I’m going back—
I’ll see my friends, gonna laugh ‘til we cry! Take my Firebolt, gonna fly to the sky. NO WAY this year anyone’s gonna die, and it’s gonna be totally awesome!
I’ll cast some spells, with a flick of my wand. Defeat the Dark Arts, yeah, bring it on! And do it all with my best friend Ron, because together we’re totally awesome!
Yeah, and it’s gonna be totally awesome!
Ron: Did somebody say Ron Weasley? Sorry it took me so long to get here I had to get some Floo Powder. We gotta get going, get your trunk, let’s go.
Harry: Where are we going?
Ron: To Diagon Alley of course!
Both: FLOO POWDER POWER! FLOO POWDER POWER! FLOO POWDER POWER!
RON: It’s been so long, but we’re going back! Don’t go for work, don’t go there for class.
HARRY: As long as were together—
RON: —gonna kick some arse!
HARRY & RON: —and it’s gonna be totally awesome! This year we’ll take everybody by storm! Stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm—
HERMIONE: —But let’s not forget that we need to perform well in class if we want to pass our O.W.L.s!
Ron: Aw, Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzzkill?
Hermione: Because, guys, school’s not all about having fun! We need to study hard if we want to be good witches and wizards!
I may be frumpy, but I’m super smart!
Check out my grades, they’re all “A’s” for a start!
What I lack in looks, well, I make up in heart!
And well guys, yeah, that’s totally awesome!
This year I plan to study a lot—
RON: —That would be cool if you were actually hot!
HARRY: Hey Ron, come on, we’re the only friends that she’s got!
RON: And that’s cool…
HERMIONE: …and that’s totally awesome!
HARRY, RON, HERMIONE: Yeah, it’s so cool, and it’s totally awesome!
We’re sick of summer and this waiting around! It’s like we’re sitting in the lost and found! Don’t take no sorcery for anyone to see how…
We gotta get back to Hogwarts! We gotta get back to school! We gotta get back to Hogwarts! Where everything is magic-coooool!
EVERYONE: Back to witches and wizards, and magical beasts! To goblins and ghosts, and to magical feasts! It’s all that I love, and it’s all that I need! At HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS—
HARRY, RON, HERMIONE: —I think we’re going back…
Ginny: Ron! You were supposed to take me to Madam Malkin’s and use those Sickles Mum gave you for my robes today!
Harry: Um, who’s this?
Ron: This is stupid, little, dumb, sister Ginny, she’s a freshman. Ginny this is Harry. Harry Potter. He is Harry Potter.
Ginny: Oh! You’re Harry Potter! You’re The Boy Who Lived!
Harry: Yeah, and you’re Ginny.
Ginny: It’s Ginevra.
Harry: Cool, Ginny’s fine.
Ron: Stupid sister! Don’t crowd the famous friend!
Hermione: Do you guys hear music or something?
Harry: Music? What are you talking about?
Ron: Yeah, someone’s coming.
Cho Chang, Domo arigato!
Cho Chang, Gung Hey Fat Choy, Chang!
Happy Happy New Year, Cho Chang!
Ginny: Who’s that?
Ron: That’s Cho Chang—that’s the girl Harry’s totally been in love with, since freshman year.
Hermione: Yeah, but he won’t say anything to her.
Ron: Yeah, you never tell a girl you like her, it makes you look like an idiot!
Ginny: Konnichiwa, Cho Chang. It is good to meet you. I am Ginny Weasley.
Lavender: Bitch, I ain’t Cho Chang!
Ron: That’s Lavender Brown! Racist sister!
Cho: That’s alright! I’m Cho Chang y’all.
Harry: She is totally perfect!
Ron: Yeah, too bad she’s dating Cedric Diggory though, huh?
Harry: What? Who the hell is Cedric Diggory?
Ron: He’s that guy, you know. He’s just, like, huge and tall…
CEDRIC: Oh, Cho Chang! I am so in love with,
Cho Chang! From Bangkok, to Ding Dang!
I sing my love aloud for Cho Chang!
Ron: I hate that guy! I hate him! So are we going to get those robes, or not?
Ginny: Okay. Alright let’s go!
Ron: GOD sister!
Goyle: Present your arm, nerd! INDIAN BURN HEX!
Harry: Oh, Crabbe and Goyle. Hey, why don’t you dweebs leave Neville Longbottom alone?
Goyle: Well, if it isn’t Harry Potter. You think because you’re famous, you can boss everyone around!
Harry: Well I just don’t think it’s cool for guys of your size to be picking on guys like Neville. Come on!
Goyle: Oh well you know what I think? I think GLASSES ARE FOR NERDS! WE HATE NERDS!
Crabbe: And girls!
Harry: Whoa! My glasses!
Ron: You don’t mess with Harry Potter! He beat the Dark Lord when he was a baby!
Hermione: All right. Everyone just calm down. OCULUS REPARO!
Harry: Whoa, cool!
Hermione: Now, let’s leave these big, baby, childish, jerks alone!
Draco: DID SOMEONE SAY DRACO MALFOY?
Ron: What do you want, Draco?
Draco: Crabbe, Goyle, go pay for my robes. So, POTTER, back for another year at Hogwarts, are you? Maybe this year, you’ll wise up, and hang out with a higher caliber of wizard!
Harry: Hey, listen Malfoy! Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world and I wouldn’t trade them for anything!
Draco: Have it your way. Wait, don’t tell me—red hair, a hand-me-down robe, and a stupid complexion! You must be a Weasley!
Ron: Oh my God! Lay off, Malfoy! She may be a pain in the arse, okay? But she’s my pain in the arse!
Draco: Well, isn’t this cute? It’s like a little loser family! God, this place has really gone to the dogs! Luckily next year, I’ll be transferred to Pigfarts!
MALFOY: This year you bet, I’m gonna get out of here!
The reign of Malfoy is drawing near!
I’ll have the greatest wizard career!
And it’s going to be totally awesome!
Look out world, for the dawn of the day! When everyone will do whatever I say! And that Potter won’t be in my way, and then,
I’ll be the one who is totally awesome!
GOYLE: Yeah, you’ll be the one who is totally awesome!
HERMIONE: Come on, guys! We’re going to miss the train!
ALL: Who knows how fast this year’s gonna go? Hand me a glass, let the Butterbeer flow!
HARRY: Maybe at last, I’m gonna talk to Cho?
RON: Oh, no, that’d be WAY too awesome!
ALL: We’re back to learn everything that we can! It’s great to come back, to where we began! And here we are, and Alakazam! Here we go, this is totally awesome!
Come on, and teach us everything you know! The summer’s over, and we’re itching to go!
NEVILLE: I think we’re ready for…Albus Dumbledore!
ALL: Oooooo Ahhhhhh.
DUMBLEDORE: Welcome, all of you to Hogwarts!
I welcome all of you to school!
Did you know that here at Hogwarts,
We’ve got a hidden swimming pool?
Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts!
Welcome hotties, nerds, and tools!
Now that I’ve got you here at Hogwarts,
I’d like to go over just a couple of rules:
Dumbledore: My name is Albus Dumbledore, and I am Headmaster of Hogwarts. You can all call me Dumbledore. I suppose, you can also call me Albus, if you want a detention. Just kidding—I’ll expel you if you call me Albus!
ALL: Back to witches and wizards, and magical beasts!
To goblins and ghosts, and to magical feasts!
It’s all that I love, and it’s all that I need!
Back to spells and enchantments, to potions and friends!
To Gryffindors! Hufflepuffs! Ravenclaws! Slytherins! Back to the place where our story begins! It’s Hogwarts, Hogwarts!
DUMBLEDORE: I’m sorry, what’s its name?
ALL: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!
DUMBLEDORE: I didn’t hear you kids!
ALL: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!
HARRY: Man, I’m glad I’m back!
ALL: back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts it’s all that I love, and all that i need. at HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS,
Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends To Gryffindors! Hufflepuffs! Ravenclaws! Slytherins! Back to the place where our story begins Its Hogwarts, Howarts,
DUMBLEDORE: Im sorry, whats its name?
ALL: Hogwarts, Hogwarts
DUMBLEDORE: I didnt hear you kids!
ALL: Hogwarts, Hogwarts
HARRY: Man, Im glad I went back!
The reign of Malfoy is drawing near
I’ll have the greatest wizard career
I want a rat.
Where is the best place to get a quality rat
Your parents should find one the day after Harry Potter’s parents die. It’s pretty much a given that the rat will be more than a normal rat.
I told you to give me back my coffee.
Thank you for everything you taught us, Professor Keating.
LETS GET DOWN TO BUSINESS